all rightie... I guess since you clicked the link and are here you might be wanting to know a little bit more about the biggest change in my life since my accident. Basically, September 11 started me on a long reconsideration of my thoughts on the possibility of there being a God. Writing about all this might seem strange and a little out of place since most of this web site is about my accident, but this was seriously such a drastic change for me that it would change the kinds of things I would go through later. And besides this, my accident also helped influence this experience in ways as well.

But to get back to how this all started and the day of September 11, it began (like most everyone) as a normal day and my nurse was just finishing up. I had on the "Today" morning show like most days and didn't think much when they said the first plane had hit the WTC. And then of course I watched as things got worse.

I still sometimes think it's weird how such a horrible event would ever make someone like me even want to believe there was a God. If there was, why would such terrifying things be allowed, why do I have to stay paralyzed my whole life, etc.? These are all great questions, but I never let myself get too angry back in 2001 for some reason (you might remember that's the one "grieving process step" I skipped in my accident story also). I'm now finally learning (in 2005) that it's okay to be angry and even that things sometimes just won't make sense, but this is a big change from how I've been in the past.

As for the rest of my September 11 experience, my mind could not help but to imagine all the victims of 9/11 and their last living moments. I guess I could empathize a little with the moments of intense panic and uncertainty many of them probably felt when the reality of death came so unexpectedly seemed so inescapable. I'm not saying my little "diving experience" is much in comparison to the extreme catastrophe they encountered, but I just slightly know a little of what it's like to be faced with a terrifying moment when death suddenly becomes seemingly unavoidable.

So although death is not the most "fun" subject to think about, my mind kept going there for the next several days and weeks. I know I had thought of this stuff before (especially with my accident), but I honestly just never really cared that much. I figured that if I died, I died, and there wasn't anything more to it. The idea of God seemed fake, all the religions seemed just as a way to control the gullible, and I was basically having fun living my life the way I wanted anyway without more "rules and restrictions" from some "God."

 But despite all my many doubts, after 9/11 the big question of "what if a God could be real" was driven on as I contemplated the day that I actually will die.  Maybe my previous "close call" made the unavoidable event more real to think about. 

I started to remember how terrified I was under the water when my accident happened and even how completely frightening it was to imagine the possibility of eternity when (at that moment) death seemed so seriously close. I think watching 9/11 helped me remember more of my accident that I must have tried to forget because everything seemed so real again. I even remember screaming to my friends after I got pulled out of the water that I was going to hell. It was scary remembering all that so well again, but I think this also prompted me to contemplate the "God thing" more intensely for the next time that it truly will be my turn to die.

I'm realizing that this story might be a little depressing by now or maybe boring after so many words, but it gets brighter and I'll try to be little more brief. =)

As all this stuff was going on with me after 9/11, I was reading an e-mail written by a fellow quadriplegic about how he lost his son and sister in the attacks. I decided to check out his web site and I came across his story of his diving accident & almost dying. His description of the experience he had while being clinically dead helped change my my beliefs even more about the possibility of afterlife (and then of course my belief on there being some greater "Power" or God controlling all of these unexplainable things).

So to make a long story slightly less long, eventually I came to the conclusion that there has to be some God out there. Then I had to figure out which God, religion, or belief system I would follow since many seemed to contradict each other. I didn't want to blindly embrace Christianity just because I live in America and it is simply more commonly accepted (and I also thought that Christianity was much too "strict" anyway). I was very skeptical for a while and did a lot of searching.

There's no way I have room here to completely describe how I finally reached the conclusion that I did, but eventually I decided that a relationship with Jesus is what I need. I knew that Jesus said some "crazy" things and supposedly did some humanly impossible stuff that is hard to believe, but I figured that if the whole God/Creator thing really was true, all that stuff Jesus did and said wouldn't really be that hard for God. And plus, Jesus was the greatest story of love I could find and, if it was really true, that seemed awesome to me (despite any sacrifice). 

I could make a whole separate web site on all my reasons for how I came to believe the "Jesus story" is true, so there's no way I want to get into all that on this page (I actually started a web site somewhat like this in early 2002, but it needs A LOT of work right now). My purpose on this page is just to explain my story some and not try to be all preachy or anything.  It just turns out that this experience has had a major impact on my life and I'm sure God will be a part of my story in the future.

I have so much more I feel I could still say about this one event itself, but I'm sure this has been quite enough reading already. =)  As for how things have been since this experience, I can briefly just say that it has been a ride learning more about myself and what my purpose might be (I'm still far from knowing all the answers). Life can still be crazy at times and I definitely still have my struggles, but through it all I know I'm never left in the chaos alone. I always have hope. =)

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 Here is a song (among the many) that reminds me of this experience

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 And as a total side note, I was thinking about adding some sort of poetry section on here possibly if anyone is interested. The poems could be about all kinds of stuff with my life (and don't always have to be about God, although He does tend to pop up a lot), but I'm still unsure if I want to do this. For now here is one REALLY long poem I wrote last year regarding God's love (I had a hard time believing God could love me for a while). I don't think I will really add more poems unless it's wanted. And again, I'm really unsure and it's not like I get to write a lot anyway. This is just something I was thinking about =)